• Find Your Way

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1)      Listen.

This means putting your own thoughts, ides, beliefs, opinions, wants and feelings on hold. Put them aside for a moment. Approach what is being said with a genuine desire to understand what’s going on for the other person.

 

2)      Listen and validate what you heard.

Validating means that you can see, from their point of view, how they’d be thinking that way. So it’s the point of view you are acknowledging – not whether it’s ‘the’ truth or not.

 

3)      Listen, validate, and empathise.

Validating means you are connecting intellectually. Empathising means you are connecting emotionally. In other words, given their point of view, you could imagine they’d be feeling…fill in the blank! And remember, this is where you describe emotions, not thoughts. People frequently get that confused.

 

4)      Ask for what you need.

We live in a culture that tells we have every right to be demanding…yet, I’d say most people find it quite difficult to simply put forward what they would like with their partners. There’s a lot to doing this correctly and there isn’t space to go into it here but some of these Tips form the basis of getting it done right.

 

5)      Create time and space to connect.

Couples often have this amazing time when they first meet – called the ‘honeymoon period’ – and then think the relationship can be sustained by what happened in those early days. Wrong. Like anything, we need to keep feeding whatever it is we want to grow to keep it alive and well. The better food it gets the more it will thrive. If you feed a relationship junk food, the outcome will reflect that. This leads to Point 6…

 

6)      Leadership.

Relationships require you to lead, to put your best foot forward. If you have strengths – use them. If you need to shape up, do it. It’s your relationship but more importantly, it’s your life. When you know something needs to be done (and sometimes that can mean not doing something, such as acting poorly, taking the bait, blaming etc.) put in. This builds your sense of Intrinsic Personal Value.

 

7)      Strength through vulnerability.

Blaming is easy. You might be right about something but blaming just doesn’t do anything helpful. Be accountable by speaking in the first person. In this way your partner can hear whats happening for you without having to be defensive. Most couples blame as a way of protecting themselves from being vulnerable. Whilst it feels uncomfortable, in the long run, being vulnerable is a far, far better way to live that by being aggressive with your feelings.

 

8)      Rules.

Set limits to what and where a fight won’t go. See Point 6 again! This takes leadership. Being strong is when you get an invitation from the other person to join them in the relational gutter – this is when you really have to lead and hold your centre. Don’t be high and mighty about it either. If not taking the bait from someone becomes a weapon (what I call the Sword of Superiority) which you use to cut the other down, then that is not what I am talking about. It needs to be enough that you know you are doing the right thing. This is about your sense if Intrinsic Personal Value; IPV: Have you got? Will you use it? I can’t emphasise this enough. Anything else just gets destructive, so knowing what rules are in place is about ‘fighting fair’ not ‘below the belt’.  And couples need to rely on this so they can have trust to work through difficulties and disagreements.

 

9)      Time out.

This is a great rule. You have to use it with integrity though. Using it as a weapon to regain power and control is not the deal. What it does is create space for people to simmer-off and regain their thoughts when emotions are heightened. Both parties have to respect it and make allowance for it. They way to do it though is that you must set a time to return to the issue. Otherwise the other person ends up feeling ripped off and the fight will escalate, not de-escalate.

 

10)   Talk quietly.

When something is really important to you. It’s a funny thing but have you noticed that the louder people talk, the harder they become to hear? And people tend to pull away from people who are being loud. The converse is also ; when peoel speak quietly, the listener automatically leans in, gets closer. If you want someone to take you seriously, speak quietly.

 

11)   Speak your truth.

If you do this, you won’t end up with lots of baggage. Baggage breads resentment. Resentment is toxic and corrosive to life and to relationships. So whilst people often try and take a short term approach and avoid conflict, the problem is that it builds up until something very little can be the spark that sets off a powder-keg and it becomes explosive.

 

12)   We are all equals.

Its an oldie but it’s a goodie. If you approach other people this way you are liable to

  • Be respected yourself and not feel threatened
  • Be heard
  • Be able to negotiate
  • Develop Intrinsic Personal Value.

 

13)   The Mel Gibson Rule.

Argue as if you knew everyone was listening around the world. I feel sorry for Mel. Truth is he’s human. He’s made lots of mistakes and he’s looking pretty silly. But it’s probably more helpful to recognise ourselves in what he is doing and be supportive rather than judgemental. Who hasn’t acted like a prat when things go badly in a relationship? We tell kids to behave properly yet often fall into some terrible behaviours, do things we regret, say things that when in our best hours we would never dream of. Stand up. Dust yourself off. Forgive yourself, find your courage and try something constructive.

Published in Relationship Advice

May 10, 2010 NY TIMES

The Science of a Happy Marriage

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Why do some men and women cheat on their partners while others resist the temptation? To find the answer, a growing body of research is focusing on the science of commitment. Scientists are studying everything from the biological factors that seem to influence marital stability to a person’s psychological response after flirting with a stranger. Their findings suggest that while some people may be naturally more resistant to temptation, men and women can also train themselves to protect their relationships and raise their feelings of commitment. Recent studies have raised questions about whether genetic factors may influence commitment and marital stability. Hasse Walum, a biologist at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, studied 552 sets of twins to learn more about a gene related to the body’s regulation of the brain chemical vasopressin, a bonding hormone.

Over all, men who carried a variation in the gene were less likely to be married, and those who had wed were more likely to have had serious marital problems and unhappy wives. Among men who carried two copies of the gene variant, about a third had experienced a serious relationship crisis in the past year, double the number seen in the men who did not carry the variant. Although the trait is often called the “fidelity gene,” Mr. Walum called that a misnomer: his research focused on marital stability, not faithfulness. “It’s difficult to use this information to predict any future behavior in men,” he told me.

Now he and his colleagues are working to replicate the findings and conducting similar research in women. While there may be genetic differences that influence commitment, other studies suggest that the brain can be trained to resist temptation. A series of unusual studies led by John Lydon, a psychologist at McGill University in Montreal, have looked at how people in a committed relationship react in the face of temptation. In one study, highly committed married men and women were asked to rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex in a series of photos. Not surprisingly, they gave the highest ratings to people who would typically be viewed as attractive.

Later, they were shown similar pictures and told that the person was interested in meeting them. In that situation, participants consistently gave those pictures lower scores than they had the first time around. When they were attracted to someone who might threaten the relationship, they seemed to instinctively tell themselves, “He’s not so great.” “The more committed you are,” Dr. Lydon said, “the less attractive you find other people who threaten your relationship.”

But some of the McGill research has shown gender differences in how we respond to a cheating threat. In a study of 300 heterosexual men and women, half the participants were primed for cheating by imagining a flirtatious conversation with someone they found attractive. The other half just imagined a routine encounter. Afterward, the study subjects were asked to complete fill-in-the-blank puzzles like LO_AL and THR__T. Unbeknownst to the participants, the word fragments were a psychological test to reveal subconscious feelings about commitment. (Similar word puzzles are used to study subconscious feelings about prejudice and stereotyping.)

No pattern emerged among the study participants who imagined a routine encounter. But there were differences among men and women who had entertained the flirtatious fantasy. In that group, the men were more likely to complete the puzzles with the neutral words LOCAL and THROAT. But the women who had imagined flirting were far more likely to choose LOYAL and THREAT, suggesting that the exercise had touched off subconscious concerns about commitment.

Of course, this does not necessarily predict behavior in the real world. But the pronounced difference in responses led the researchers to think women might have developed a kind of early warning system to alert them to relationship threats. Other McGill studies confirmed differences in how men and women react to such threats. In one, attractive actors or actresses were brought in to flirt with study participants in a waiting room. Later, the participants were asked questions about their relationships, particularly how they would respond to a partner’s bad behavior, like being late and forgetting to call. Men who had just been flirting were less forgiving of the hypothetical bad behavior, suggesting that the attractive actress had momentarily chipped away at their commitment.

But women who had been flirting were more likely to be forgiving and to make excuses for the man, suggesting that their earlier flirting had triggered a protective response when discussing their relationship. “We think the men in these studies may have had commitment, but the women had the contingency plan — the attractive alternative sets off the alarm bell,” Dr. Lydon said. “Women implicitly code that as a threat. Men don’t.” The question is whether a person can be trained to resist temptation. In another study, the team prompted male students who were in committed dating relationships to imagine running into an attractive woman on a weekend when their girlfriends were away. Some of the men were then asked to develop a contingency plan by filling in the sentence “When she approaches me, I will __________ to protect my relationship.” Because the researchers could not bring in a real woman to act as a temptation, they created a virtual-reality game in which two out of four rooms included subliminal images of an attractive woman.

The men who had practiced resisting temptation gravitated toward those rooms 25 percent of the time; for the others, the figure was 62 percent. But it may not be feelings of love or loyalty that keep couples together. Instead, scientists speculate that your level of commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons — a concept that Arthur Aron, a psychologist and relationship researcher at Stony Brook University, calls “self-expansion.”

To measure this quality, couples are asked a series of questions: How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities? The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments using activities that stimulated self-expansion. Some couples were given mundane tasks, while others took part in a silly exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats, pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so the couples failed the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it on the third, resulting in much celebration. Couples were given relationship tests before and after the experiment.

Those who had taken part in the challenging activity posted greater increases in love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together. Now the researchers are embarking on a series of studies to measure how self-expansion influences a relationship. They theorize that couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment. “We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us,” Dr. Aron said. “That’s why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together.”

Tara Parker-Pope’s new book is “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” A version of this article appeared in print on May 11, 2010, on page D1 of the New York edition. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/10/tracking-the-science-of-commitment/

Published in Relationship Advice
Saturday, 21 November 2009 03:11

Cheating Spouse

Has a cheating spouse torn your life apart?

Few things in life hurt more than a cheating spouse's gross breach of trust. The gut-wrenching experience of betrayal by a cheating spouse can fill you with awful pain and turn your life upsidedown. You probably feel devastated and may turn to excessive drinking and other self-destructive behaviours to lessen the pain. You may even think of or feel like suicide.

If the pressure feels too difficult to bear, or you can't even contemplate forgiveness and moving on, you may benefit from talking to someone about how you feel.

Just remember, that feelings subside and change. Almost everyone experiences the pains of having loved and lost. It's part of life.  But because the feelings can be so intense and so bad, we need help and guidance to make sense of it all.  This is completely normal.  Bottling it all up is not.  The sign of a mature person is someone who knows he or she can reach for proper help when they need it.

MAYBE YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS HAVING AN AFFAIR and you don't know what to do?

Are you reading the papers looking though everything about Tiger Woods to see what can help? And I am not talking about his backswing! No one is perfect and being part of an affair can be devastating, confusing and isolating. Because no one (supposedly) 'understands' this can make an affair much more difficult to deal with...because the only person who knows about it is the person you are having an affair with!

What do you do when you need unbiased help and understanding to help you sort through the heady mix of feelings and the racing thoughts...not to mention the guilt.

Why you could use someone to talk to:

  • Your friends will probably disown you if you keep talking to them about it
  • It's ok to need help sometimes; a professional counsellor allows you to discuss issues in a safe environment
  • Understanding the cause of the problems will help you prevent the same mistakes from happening again. This will help you to move forward with your life
  • Learn to manage your feelings, rather than letting them manage you
  • Validate your feelings and the feelings of others by gaining a proper perspective of the problem.

Guy's Domain caters for everyone in the damaged relationship:

  • The innocent party
  • The cheating spouse
  • Any children involved.

Guy's Domain will recommend a counsellor to help you manage the fallout from a cheating spouse. Together or separately, a counsellor will ask those potentially difficult "Why's" to establish why the relationship broke down. And how - or if - it can be repaired.

Take back control over your life and happiness, and speak to Guy's Domain today.

Call 0412 591 335 today or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and a professional counsellor will contact you shortly.

Published in Relationship Advice
Wednesday, 18 November 2009 11:40

Guys Domain - find your way

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"Toughen up mate"

"Why don't you just grow a set and man-up?"

"Suck it up and keep going"

 

If you're an Australian male, you've probably had those beliefs drummed into you since you were a kid. The essential message is, "don't be vulnerable". Which, effectively, means "don't be human". This isn't good for men nor is it good for their partners or potential partners.

So how are men supposed to be in the world?

It's okay for girls to cry. Women tell their problems to at least five girlfriends. No wonder they live longer than men! (For more information on this, see a recent article on this I have posted under 'Relationship Advice'.)

So is it really a man's world, when men aren't allowed to feel - and express - emotional pain?"

If you need really good, down to earth and practical help that you won't get from your mates, Guy's Domain is here for you.

  • It works: From CEOs to Olympic athletes, to you and me. For 20 years Guy has helped many men and women change their focus and improve their lives. 

  • Practical: This isn't 'touchy feely' hippie therapy. We aren't going to collect auras. What it is, is getting to the real you for once. Providing a place for men and women where they can be real, be honest and be met by someone who isn't interested in the pretence but who is interested in the real life you have and where you want to take it from here.
  • Do it your way: We don't tell you what you should do. We talk you through any difficult issues, help you identify your goals and then work towards them in the way that suites you best.

 

Published in Uncategorised